Changing the way I look at change

As Featured in Megs Menopause Website

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I discovered I was in early Menopause at the age of 44. I was well used to change in my life, both personally and professionally but this change had it’s challenging moments.

At 10 years of age my body was changing in more ways than one - along with hitting puberty and dealing with the changes that every young girl deals with at that age my spine was also growing - be it in the wrong direction. I had been diagnosed with scoliosis and I had a rapid curvature which required immediate surgery. Due to my young age I had to have 2 spinal fusion operations but looking back on it now this early change only made me stronger. I also ran my own my own branding and design agency for 20 years so that has also taught me to adapt to change on a regular basis.

Life is constantly changing

4 years ago I faced a difficult change in the form of a loud ringing sensation in my ear and sudden hearing loss (in the same ear) after visiting numerous ENT consultants looking for answers and feeling very deflated, I made the decision to enroll in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course. This taught me more about how Life is constantly changing. Our bodies change in so many ways throughout our lives. Our opinions change, our outlook and views about things change, our relationships change. EVERYTHING CHANGES. Why do we fear change so much when everything is constantly changing? When I was told by my GP in June 2017 that my bloods showed that I was in early menopause I thankfully processed the news in a way of acceptance. I said to myself - this is just another part of life - I’ll be fine and for the 6 months that followed I thought I was. I continued to take my magnesium supplements and also started a range of different natural menopause supplements and read all I needed to know to equip me on this new journey.

While I was feeling a tiredness in my body that I had never experienced before my hot flushes didn’t seem too bad - I felt then that they were manageable and I seemed to be managing well at breathing through it. I had had hyperemesis on both my pregnancies so maybe my menopause was going to be a walk in the park? I was feeling like this wasn’t going to knock a stir out of me.

The start of summer 2018 was a different story - while I was still managing my hot flushes through my breath and mindful practice - just acknowledging the flush and reminding myself that it will pass seemed to keep them at bay - I seemed to have no control over how my body was feeling. I have never experienced complete exhaustion quite like it. I went on a 5 day silent mindfulness retreat in June and what I was looking forward to the most apart from deepening my mindful practice was the space away from everyone. While I was enjoying my 7 and 12 year old more than ever in my life I often felt overwhelmed with things I needed to do as a mum - the questions I needed to answer. Thankfully once again because of my mindfulness practice I have been aware of most of these so I seem to catch a lot of them before they set me off but there have obviously been the days when I haven’t… I’m only human! My daughter is 12 so while she is at one end of the hormone spectrum I am at the other end with mine!

While I had finally got on top of my sleep after 3 years of living with tinnitus and endless sleepless nights, menopause was now taking it’s place so along with my body feeling tired in general I was also waking up a lot at night from hot flushes which left me completely exhausted.

overcoming The Physical Pain

I was experiencing back pain like I had never experienced before so I was sent for a DEXA scan and it was confirmed I had osteopenia. My rods were feeling weighty - a sensation I had never felt before and it really scared me.

I was getting the kids ready to go back to school and picking up their bits and pieces and I remember going to a health food shop close to home and told the girl what was going on and then I told her about my tinnitus, then I told her about my scoliosis and she looked at me and said - “Wow, you’ve a lot going on don’t you?!” I felt like collapsing into her arms when she said it as I knew this was something that while I was coping with on my own my body was telling me otherwise. I think I found it most difficult when the kids started back at school as my daughter started secondary school and my son is still in primary so they are in different schools with different uniforms, different requests for lunches, different drop off and pick up times - and above all different needs. Often I would feel as if I wanted to burst into tears when I heard “mum…where are my socks?”!!! I ran my own branding and design agency for almost 20 years so I’m used to being asked lots of questions but often the simplist of questions from my kids felt like I was being asked to solve the world’s problems!

Before menopause I had finally got to a stage in my life when my mindfulness practice had made me feel calmer than I had ever done in my life as I was no longer over-analysing and overthinking like I had spent most of my life. But I was starting to feel overwhelmed over the littlest of things. I have often said it to my close friends and family that I honestly don’t know what I would have been like if I hadn’t learned all I have about noticing and recognising my feelings or spotting my automatic pilot. I would hate to think what I would have been like. It’s as if my body had been hijacked and it’s a very unsettling feeling.

Knowing my body

I recently went back to see my GP as the physical pain in my back was becoming increasingly worse. Along with pilates and yoga I also started cycling when I developed tinnitus, in addition to keeping me fit it also helps me deal with my tinnitus, but my back pain was making my cycle difficult. I knew that cycling has kept me mentally strong over the last few years so the last thing I needed was not to be able to go on my bike. My GP advised that I think about going on HRT as she felt that this would also help to keep the osteoporosis at bay so she suggested I visit my obstetrician for a scan due to my age and as I thought - she also seconded my GP’s suggestion.

It’s not that I didn’t want to go on HRT - I just wanted to make sure it was the right decision for me. When I had hyperemesis on my first pregnancy I also suffered with post-nasal drip but my GP at the time told me I was having chest infections due to my scoliosis and the pressure the pregnancy was putting on my lungs, so I ended up taking lots of very unnecessary antibiotics so you can understand how these days I want to be sure what I put into my body is going to benefit me.

Clarity of mind

One of the things I did after completing my mindfulness course was to develop a range of “Flash cards for grown ups” called MoMe cards - MoMe comes from taking “A Moment for Me” to help encourage taking small moments often to check in with yourself and to encourage positivity and self care. I have connected with so many women - and men - who suffer with tinnitus, or have scoliosis, or who want to explore mindfulness for one reason or another. I often share my experiences of living with tinnitus on my social media posts and I have often been asked how do I stay so positive. However, this past year I have felt that I wanted to share my story, as the impact menopause has had on me has often made this a bit harder but continuing my gratitude and mindful practice has helped but I would hate to think of any woman ever feeling like I have felt in the last year and not be aware of what is happening to them. It was Meg’s Menopause that has given me the strength to write about my experience and also the information I needed to support my decision to start HRT. I feel very grateful for that and also for other feeds such as Menoandme and Hotflush for raising awareness on the effects of menopause.

Before Menopause I used to joke that my tinnitus was my body’s alarm bell shouting at me to slow down but I now know that it was my body’s way of strengthening me for the year that I have just put down. I finally started decided to start HRT a month ago to see if it can help keep my osteopenia stable and osteoperosis at bay. It is not a decision I have taken lightly and the deciding factor for me in the end was my back but like my mindfulness practice I will see how I feel day by day and also see this as another new chapter in my journey and who knows… maybe the best is yet to come!

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Thank you so much to Meg Matthews for both all she does to increase awareness for menopause and also for sharing my story on www.megsmenopause.com

Reassessing the meaning of "having it all"

This pic was taken one morning in October 2008 after I was asked by the Limerick Leader newspaper to take part in a feature titled "Can Women Have it All". I remember getting myself and my daughter ready that morning - we both got all dressed up and ready to be photographed. After the photographs were taken I was called by Anne Sheridan, a journalist with the Limerick Leader to ask me what I thought about working mums having to juggle their careers and motherhood and could we really have it all?

It is funny reading back through the article 10 years later as while I spoke about the positive changes motherhood brings to your life and also the pressure I did feel to get back to work as I had my own company I also said "..if you're willing to accept that there's going to be change, and are willing to balance it, you can have it all." Right there and then at that point in my life I did see that I had it all - I was creative director of my own successful award winning design agency and I was also an equally successful mum as my daughter was now 2 years old and I was managing everything perfectly well.

What exactly is "Having it all"?

Now that I am 10 years older - and hopefully 10 years wiser - I would now have paused when asked that question and asked  "Well what is having it all?"

When I became a mum I was very fortunate that my husband was looking after the business side of the company so I could concentrate on the design and art direct the designers we had working for us but I still worked so hard and all the final branding and design - which was at the end of the day what we were selling - was down to me. 

I briefed the designers, I oversaw the design from start to finish - I was also designing myself, coming up with concepts, taglines for new logos and presenting the designs to our clients. This also meant I needed to look my best at all times - because in the branding and design industry how you present yourself is part of your own brand. The business had been built on our reputation for attention to detail so everything needed to be done to the highest of standards. We were an International award winning design agency and there was a reason for that.

The pressure we put on ourselves

I approached motherhood in the same way as I approached everything I did in my life - I wanted to give it 110% - I knew that from the moment I became pregnant and because I was extremely sick for my entire pregnancy (between my back and hyperemesis) her arrival felt even more beautiful. Due to the titanium rods in my back I needed to have a general anesthetic for her delivery so I felt so lucky to hold her and after I was awoken from my operation and held her for the first time - like any mum will understand - I felt so much love for her and I had an immediate urge to give her all the attention and motherly love she deserved.

I was going to be the best mum I could possibly be and 2 years later when this interview was done I knew and felt I was doing a good job. Was I completely knackered? Yes, all of the time! But once I felt that I was doing everything as best I could, me feeling tired didn't really come into the equation. I just kept on going. My husband would say it to me all the time to take a break and rest but while I listened to him say the words I never really did anything about it. I just kept on going.

I decided shortly after my daughter was born that I would work a 4 day week so I could spend more time with her but because it was my own business I never really switched off for that day. For the first year and a bit I had the support from both grandparents so my husband regularly suggested that maybe I should look at leaving my daughter with his mum on a friday morning so that I could have a few hours for myself - or to catch up on things I needed to but I wouldn't hear of it. I was consumed with so much guilt as a working mum that I insisted on taking my daughter with me - including doing the food shopping!

By the time she was 2 she was full-on and energetic (as most mums who have ever had a 2 year old know), so food shopping could be exhausting but I felt that once she was with me that's what mattered. By that time she was also in a creche as she enjoyed being with other children but I never once considered sending her to creche when I was off so I could do the shopping and maybe even a cup of tea on my own (- what??? A cup of tea on my own??? That would be the most selfish thing any working mother could do - right???) I never thought that my daughter might actually benefit from a relaxed, recharged mum picking her up at lunchtime!

“I never thought that my daughter might actually benefit from a relaxed, recharged mum picking her up at lunchtime!”

I brought her to the library or the park after I did the shopping - everything that I had dreamed of doing as a mum and I would spend every Sunday cooking everything from scratch for the week ahead from every Annabelle Carmel cookbook written. All to be "the best mum" I could be to her. Or at least what I thought was the "best mum I could be".

I rarely stopped to slow down to take a breath and listen to what I needed. That was at a time when I hadn't a clue what self-care or self-love really was. If the term had been mentioned to me I would have just thought it sounded selfish. Full stop. I knew what I was doing after all - didn't I?

Self-Care is Never Selfish

Back then I never made the connection between being on an airplane and the oxygen masks being deployed in the cabin - and motherhood - who do they tell you to tend to first? The message is always loud and clear - put your own mask on before you attend to your children. Self-care isn't just about having your hair or nails done - as I would have thought - it's about really taking care of yourself by resting, listening to your body, relaxing your mind, being present with yourself and really knowing what your needs are.

“As women we sometimes feel we need to prove so much to each other and to ourselves.”

As women we sometimes feel we need to prove so much to each other and to ourselves. We want everyone to know we're doing a great job and we have our 'sh-t' together, when in actual fact it's perfectly okay to say "I'm not okay", or  "I'm struggling a bit", or "I find it difficult sometimes" We're not machines but sometimes we feel we have to operate like one - and even machines get to unplug every now and then! So many women don't open up about this and as a result it can lead to many women suffering in silence.

Listen to Your Body

I suffered alot with my back after my second child was born and once again I had had hyperemesis - but this time it was worse and I also had it all through my pregnancy. The recovery is also slow due to the general anesthetic and the complications with my back so I ended up being off work for a while after my son was born with my back but once again found it very difficult to rest - there was always something to be done! Well, that's what I kept telling myself anyway. My husband would constantly say "leave it" or "don't worry about it" but I never listened.

You would have thought after that and other injuries that I developed after 2 car crashes I was involved in that I would have now started to listen to my body or at least connected with it in some way? Not a chance! I was eager to get back to myself but would never have dreamed that resting might just speed the process up - I was too impatient with not moving - too impatient with recovery - too impatient to slow down.

“It took tinnitus and becoming deaf for my mind to finally listen to my body. The loud noise ringing in my head was like my body screaming at me to pay attention.”

It took tinnitus and becoming deaf for my mind to finally listen to my body. The loud noise ringing in my head was like my body screaming at me to pay attention. The MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) Course I completed was the start of a new mindset change for me. Mindfulness and meditation has completely changed my life. I have written about all the benefits I have experienced in other blog posts so I won't go into too much detail here but I am now at a place in my life when I feel more contentment than ever before. I practice every day, I have for me what feels like the perfect balance between work and being a mum and now that I give myself the time I need each day to sit with my myself in meditation and my practice I now have a clarity in my mind that means I can be present for my children when I am with them. I have recently made decisions in my career that gives me the freedom to continue to work and use my creativity in my design but above all it has given me the clarity to make choices that are best for me, and for my family. Not clouded decisions based on what you think is the right thing to do or worse - what you think everyone else thinks you should do!

Empower not pressure

Thankfully I built my design business at a time before the hashtag "Girlboss" existed and often when I see quotes like "Hustle your muscles" and watch women doing all they can to get ahead - it concerns me. I can see so many young girls who become so focused on staying on top of their game and getting ahead in business that they can loose so much focus not only on what they are about but also on their real needs. There's a fine line between empowering women and putting pressure on women - knowing the difference is what's important.

“There’s a fine line between empowering women and putting pressure on women - knowing the difference is what’s important.”

One of the most amazing things about practicing mindfulness is it teaches you to live in the now as opposed to past but it doesn't mean you can't learn from what the past has taught you. I will never regret working as hard as I did for those years - both professionally and as a mum as I believe everything you do in this life makes you stronger but if I could give any advice to my younger self I would have taken more time to check in with myself and ask myself "how are you doing?" once and awhile. I would definitely introduce myself to the power of the breath and taking a moment to listen to it because back then I can't ever remember having a breath!

I fully understand that so many of us women have to work and are doing so for financial reasons only - not career choices or because they want to but it doesn't matter what your circumstances we all have the same needs as women and we all - every single one of us - need to realise the importance of checking in with ourselves and taking small moments to breathe throughout our busy days because whether you work or not - or whether you are a mum or not - life is fast and hectic.

Ten years older and thankfully wiser

So if my now 12 year old daughter in the above pic ever asks me can women have it all - I would probably answer the same - "Yes, 100% we can have it all!" - because we are brave, powerful and strong but never lose sight of what you're about - what you already have in your life and what in actual fact makes you happy.

The more we connect with ourselves the more clarity we have to see what works best for us in both our personal or professional lives. This will help us develop the tools to see ways to make small changes to find the balance we often yearn for or make big changes if we feel they are necessary.

We may even discover that 'having it all' doesn't have to mean 'doing it all'. 'Having it all' can be as as simple as being awake and aware enough to realise and appreciate that in actual fact when you stop to notice - you already do.

There is Goodness In The World

What has struck me most about learning about mindfulness is that there is still kindness out there. There are still genuine kind people in the world. To be honest I had gone through some life experiences - both professional and personal that really made me question this and after running my own design agency for 15 years I frequently felt disillusioned with the fact that you had to be a little bit guarded with people in order to protect your business and I struggled with that. I am very open and trusting by nature and always struggled with that aspect of running my own business. In fact it was the side to running my own business that I didn't like. I didn't like the term 'Boss Lady' as it conjured up so many images for me like Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada! I never wanted my staff to be afraid of me so I treated them like friends. I cared for them in a way that unfortunately most of them took for granted and some of them took complete advantage of.

I began to think that I was too trusting and it bothered me when I looked at my children and wondered how I was going to advise them about life, friendship and work without making them negative or cynical. both myself and my husband wanted them to have the trust and openness that we both grew up with but yet we wanted to protect them as much as we could. That is one of the reasons why I am so grateful I discovered mindfulness which has lead me on this journey.

When I walked into the room the first night of my MBSR Programme I got such a lovely feeling. There was a warm welcoming feeling from the people there. We were people of all different ages, there for different - but similar reason and all hoping for the same result - to better our lives through mindfulness. Some of us knew a small bit about it - some maybe knew more - either way we all wanted to learn. That was the start of me knowing that learning about mindfulness was going to have a positive impact on my life.

From that first night of my course until today I have been so overwhelmed with the amount of lovely and kind people I have met. Whether these people have been people I have met in person or just people who I have communicated with through email or my MoMe social media accounts the same thing has struck me - these people are all so kind.

Discovering Project Goodness

Apart from the direct contact with the people on my course one of the first people who reached out to me on this MoMe journey was a girl called Margo who runs an amazing website called Project Goodness which is basically a community dedicated to noticing and adding to the goodness all around us. When Margo contacted me first I did have that moment when I regressed into my old way of thinking and thought "why did she contact me?" and "Is she genuine?" I had been so trusting in the past only to learn the hard way that it was hard not to let my defences down completely - I was after all still new to the mindful world so it was only natural my defence went up a small bit but once I brought myself back to what I had learned on my course and what I had learned through meditation that I began to listen to my gut instinct and I felt a connection with Margo. I knew that she was genuine and I was so right. Margo is a beautiful, kind girl who has is dedicating so much of her time to her website and basically spreading kindness. She sent me a welcome pack that had stickers in it saying "I'm With Goodness". A simple clever little sticker that I believe has so much impact. I immediately put one on my mug at work, another one on my computer and my daughter and took the rest from me to put on her pencil case, school books and in her bedroom. She came home from school the first day after she stuck one on her pencil case and told me that a few of her friends had asked her about it and she explained that it was about being kind and I thought to myself "Wow...how cool is that!" I thought that if these young girls were looking at my MoMe Cards and also seeing stickers like these that they might just help them be a little kinder to each other. A little more prepared for the very cynical, filter-driven world that social media was going to throw at them. A world that I thankfully didn't grow up in. Kindness needs to be nurtured, needs to be cared for and it's people like Margo who need credit for this.

It is this kindness that I have found infectious since I started my Mindful Journey. This kindness that has helped my develop something that started out as a little project into something that is  now a little business... this kindness has given me the energy I needed to reignite my creativity. So while I started my MBSR Programme to help me deal with my tinnitus it had ended up benefiting me so many other ways than I could ever have imagined and it's continuing to do so every day. I am very grateful for that.

Me Meditate?! I'd Never Be Able To Concentrate!

When I started my MBSR Programme with Donna Curtin in January 2016 I never thought I would be able to sit longer than 5 minutes without doing something. I was always doing something! And even when I was sitting still my mind was always someplace else. If I wasn't thinking about a concept for a new logo or an ad campaign I was thinking about what needed to be done at home, or where the kids needed to be next or what I'd pick up for my friend for her birthday...there was always something on my mind besides just sitting still and allowing myself to breathe.

So I honestly thought that meditation was something I would never be able to do. I thought meditation involved sitting for hours in a dark room or something you only did on a retreat. I, like most people had so many preconceived ideas about it that I just thought it was something that wasn't for me. I never just sat there...that was completely alien to me so I remember the first time that Donna asked us to try it on our own at home I struggled. I can remember hearing the ringing in my ear from my Tinnitus louder than normal and getting very irritated with the whole experience. I couldn't wait for the bell to ring to tell me it was over to say "Yea, I did it and it did , I tried it, box ticked".

Acceptance is Key

While Donna constantly reminded us that this wasn't a test, it wasn't something we HAD to do, like homework. It was something she asked us to try in a non-judgmental way, I still struggled with feeling I had to do it as I wanted to prove to myself I could do which is the very reason why I wasn't enjoying it. I was forcing myself to like it instead of just letting go and seeing what happened. I can remember Donna asking us how we got on the following week and when I told her my experience she asked "what if you welcomed the tinnitus? What if you allowed the ringing in your ear to just be there" and I remember thinking "seriously? The very noise that drives me crazy?!!?...Welcome it?" I honestly couldn't imagine doing such a thing. But after a few weeks of taking what Donna had said on board I slowly started to realise that what she said made complete sense. What if I just accepted the tinnitus? Allowed it to just be there, become part of me like my rods were part of my back? That's when it all started to change.

“What if I just accepted the tinnitus? Allowed it to just be there, become part of me like my rods were part of my back? That’s when it all started to change.”

From that moment on meditation became easier, it became something that I even was starting to enjoy. It felt good to just sit or lie there and listen to Donna's voice guiding me through my breath. Actually feeling myself breathe and realising that it was perfectly okay to just sit and be without my mind running away with the next thing I had to do or pondering over the last thing I did. I found for me that doing a 10 minute meditation was something that I was more likely to stick as it was something that I thought i could fit into my life no matter how busy I was. 

After a few months I really started to notice a change in myself. Meditation combined with all the things I was taught over the 8 weeks on the MBSR Programme made me see things more clearly. It helped me make decisions easier and not react to situations like I would have done in the past. I felt calmer. And what's even more amazing is my family noticed a difference.

Finding My Headspace

Like anything in life we try and want to keep up, routine is key so I decided to set my meditation space at my desk at the same time every morning as I knew that this is a place that I could sit uninterrupted (once switched my phone on aeroplane mode). This place worked for me and sets me up for the day ahead. I also decided to download the HEADSPACE App a few months ago as it gives me a daily reminder on my phone at the same time every day to let me know when it's time to meditate. I have also set a place up at home - just a chair in my bedroom - it doesn't have to be a place that has Buddah statues, incense and candles lighting everwhere (alothough I have to say that would be lovely!) but just a space that you feel comfortable in that you know where you won't be disturbed. When you think about it you wouldn't go to the gym without your runners so to meditate the surroundings have to be right.

Just 10 Minutes A Day

Now, do I meditate every single day? I wish! Bust like any working mum will understand some days finding 10 minutes feels impossible but when you think about it 10 minutes is such a short time to allocate for yourself in 24 hours but there still those days when I don't manage to find those 10 minutes. But that's okay. Once again, it's like anything in life, there are going to be days for one reason or another you can't find the time - but what I have discovered is that the days that I don't I feel different. I don't have the clarity or calmness in my mind that I have on the days that I do.

I have found the HEADSPACE App really works for me as it is very easy to use and Andy Whitcombe's voice is extremely relaxing and pleasant and I have now found myself saying "Thanks Andy!" at the end of each session. Like I got to know so many people on my journey so far, really lovely people who all have different stories but are on the one journey to better their own minds through mindful living and meditation, I feel Donna and Andy are just two more people who are helping me along the way. 

My Headspace App on my desktop at my desk