Changing the way I look at change
As Featured in Megs Menopause Website
I discovered I was in early Menopause at the age of 44. I was well used to change in my life, both personally and professionally but this change had it’s challenging moments.
As Featured in Megs Menopause Website
I discovered I was in early Menopause at the age of 44. I was well used to change in my life, both personally and professionally but this change had it’s challenging moments.
At 10 years of age my body was changing in more ways than one - along with hitting puberty and dealing with the changes that every young girl deals with at that age my spine was also growing - be it in the wrong direction. I had been diagnosed with scoliosis and I had a rapid curvature which required immediate surgery. Due to my young age I had to have 2 spinal fusion operations but looking back on it now this early change only made me stronger. I also ran my own my own branding and design agency for 20 years so that has also taught me to adapt to change on a regular basis.
Life is constantly changing
4 years ago I faced a difficult change in the form of a loud ringing sensation in my ear and sudden hearing loss (in the same ear) after visiting numerous ENT consultants looking for answers and feeling very deflated, I made the decision to enroll in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course. This taught me more about how Life is constantly changing. Our bodies change in so many ways throughout our lives. Our opinions change, our outlook and views about things change, our relationships change. EVERYTHING CHANGES. Why do we fear change so much when everything is constantly changing? When I was told by my GP in June 2017 that my bloods showed that I was in early menopause I thankfully processed the news in a way of acceptance. I said to myself - this is just another part of life - I’ll be fine and for the 6 months that followed I thought I was. I continued to take my magnesium supplements and also started a range of different natural menopause supplements and read all I needed to know to equip me on this new journey.
While I was feeling a tiredness in my body that I had never experienced before my hot flushes didn’t seem too bad - I felt then that they were manageable and I seemed to be managing well at breathing through it. I had had hyperemesis on both my pregnancies so maybe my menopause was going to be a walk in the park? I was feeling like this wasn’t going to knock a stir out of me.
The start of summer 2018 was a different story - while I was still managing my hot flushes through my breath and mindful practice - just acknowledging the flush and reminding myself that it will pass seemed to keep them at bay - I seemed to have no control over how my body was feeling. I have never experienced complete exhaustion quite like it. I went on a 5 day silent mindfulness retreat in June and what I was looking forward to the most apart from deepening my mindful practice was the space away from everyone. While I was enjoying my 7 and 12 year old more than ever in my life I often felt overwhelmed with things I needed to do as a mum - the questions I needed to answer. Thankfully once again because of my mindfulness practice I have been aware of most of these so I seem to catch a lot of them before they set me off but there have obviously been the days when I haven’t… I’m only human! My daughter is 12 so while she is at one end of the hormone spectrum I am at the other end with mine!
While I had finally got on top of my sleep after 3 years of living with tinnitus and endless sleepless nights, menopause was now taking it’s place so along with my body feeling tired in general I was also waking up a lot at night from hot flushes which left me completely exhausted.
overcoming The Physical Pain
I was experiencing back pain like I had never experienced before so I was sent for a DEXA scan and it was confirmed I had osteopenia. My rods were feeling weighty - a sensation I had never felt before and it really scared me.
I was getting the kids ready to go back to school and picking up their bits and pieces and I remember going to a health food shop close to home and told the girl what was going on and then I told her about my tinnitus, then I told her about my scoliosis and she looked at me and said - “Wow, you’ve a lot going on don’t you?!” I felt like collapsing into her arms when she said it as I knew this was something that while I was coping with on my own my body was telling me otherwise. I think I found it most difficult when the kids started back at school as my daughter started secondary school and my son is still in primary so they are in different schools with different uniforms, different requests for lunches, different drop off and pick up times - and above all different needs. Often I would feel as if I wanted to burst into tears when I heard “mum…where are my socks?”!!! I ran my own branding and design agency for almost 20 years so I’m used to being asked lots of questions but often the simplist of questions from my kids felt like I was being asked to solve the world’s problems!
Before menopause I had finally got to a stage in my life when my mindfulness practice had made me feel calmer than I had ever done in my life as I was no longer over-analysing and overthinking like I had spent most of my life. But I was starting to feel overwhelmed over the littlest of things. I have often said it to my close friends and family that I honestly don’t know what I would have been like if I hadn’t learned all I have about noticing and recognising my feelings or spotting my automatic pilot. I would hate to think what I would have been like. It’s as if my body had been hijacked and it’s a very unsettling feeling.
Knowing my body
I recently went back to see my GP as the physical pain in my back was becoming increasingly worse. Along with pilates and yoga I also started cycling when I developed tinnitus, in addition to keeping me fit it also helps me deal with my tinnitus, but my back pain was making my cycle difficult. I knew that cycling has kept me mentally strong over the last few years so the last thing I needed was not to be able to go on my bike. My GP advised that I think about going on HRT as she felt that this would also help to keep the osteoporosis at bay so she suggested I visit my obstetrician for a scan due to my age and as I thought - she also seconded my GP’s suggestion.
It’s not that I didn’t want to go on HRT - I just wanted to make sure it was the right decision for me. When I had hyperemesis on my first pregnancy I also suffered with post-nasal drip but my GP at the time told me I was having chest infections due to my scoliosis and the pressure the pregnancy was putting on my lungs, so I ended up taking lots of very unnecessary antibiotics so you can understand how these days I want to be sure what I put into my body is going to benefit me.
Clarity of mind
One of the things I did after completing my mindfulness course was to develop a range of “Flash cards for grown ups” called MoMe cards - MoMe comes from taking “A Moment for Me” to help encourage taking small moments often to check in with yourself and to encourage positivity and self care. I have connected with so many women - and men - who suffer with tinnitus, or have scoliosis, or who want to explore mindfulness for one reason or another. I often share my experiences of living with tinnitus on my social media posts and I have often been asked how do I stay so positive. However, this past year I have felt that I wanted to share my story, as the impact menopause has had on me has often made this a bit harder but continuing my gratitude and mindful practice has helped but I would hate to think of any woman ever feeling like I have felt in the last year and not be aware of what is happening to them. It was Meg’s Menopause that has given me the strength to write about my experience and also the information I needed to support my decision to start HRT. I feel very grateful for that and also for other feeds such as Menoandme and Hotflush for raising awareness on the effects of menopause.
Before Menopause I used to joke that my tinnitus was my body’s alarm bell shouting at me to slow down but I now know that it was my body’s way of strengthening me for the year that I have just put down. I finally started decided to start HRT a month ago to see if it can help keep my osteopenia stable and osteoperosis at bay. It is not a decision I have taken lightly and the deciding factor for me in the end was my back but like my mindfulness practice I will see how I feel day by day and also see this as another new chapter in my journey and who knows… maybe the best is yet to come!
Thank you so much to Meg Matthews for both all she does to increase awareness for menopause and also for sharing my story on www.megsmenopause.com
The ‘Silent’ Effects of Tinnitus Highlighted on the Big Screen
I finally just got round to going to see the much talked about movie of the moment “A Star is Born” last night. While I knew before I went that alcohol and drug addiction would be key to the storyline I was also surprised to see another topic even closer to home also highlighted - a condition I have lived with for 4 years now… The ‘silent’ illness called tinnitus.
I finally just got round to going to see the much talked about movie of the moment “A Star is Born” last night. While I knew before I went that alcohol and drug addiction would be key to the storyline I was also surprised to see another topic even closer to home also highlighted - a condition I have lived with for 4 years now… The ‘silent’ illness called tinnitus.
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga star in “A Star is Born” Image © Warner Brothers
I am by no means a movie critic and I also don’t want to spoil the movie for those of you who have yet to see it , however, the movie is based on the story of musician Jackson Maine (played by Bradley Cooper) who discovers − and falls in love with − struggling artist Ally (Lady Gaga). When she meets Jackson in a bar she has just about given up on her dream to make it as a singer but he manages to coax her to fulfill her dream by inviting her on stage at one of his concerts. However, after their romance blossoms and Ally's career takes off it is soon discovered that Jackson is battling an addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol and is also affected mentally by tinnitus and hearing loss since childhood.
According to www.audiology-worldnews.com “The drugs that he is addicted to have been prescribed to help with his tinnitus, which periodically brings him close to anxiety attacks and temper tantrums. Maine's manager and otolaryngologist urge him to wear in-ear monitors, − custom-moulded ear plugs that block sound and allow musicians to hear their voices and instruments over loud audiences and speakers − but he refuses. Over the course of the film, the tinnitus gets worse, and Maine fails to manage it appropriately.”
David Stockdale, CEO of the British Tinnitus Association said of the depiction: "Tinnitus features in a Star is Born throughout - from when the lead character, Jackson Maine comes off stage in the first scene and hears ringing. Jackson dismisses using hearing protection - feeling it impedes his live performance. He doesn't look to address his tinnitus and hearing loss - which he has from childhood. The film gives a harrowing, raw account of the very real impact tinnitus can have."
The ‘SILENT’ Illness
The thing with suffering with something like tinnitus and hearing loss is it is can be so difficult for anyone who doesn’t suffer with it to understand, as like any other invisible illness if someone sees you ‘looking well’ they can often presume you are ‘doing well’. It is so hard to describe the feeling of not being able to escape from the sound. That is why for me personally my meditation and mindfulness practices have helped me daily to acknowledge the sound and try to teach myself to allow it to just be. Some days are more difficult than others but once again the beauty of mindful practice is you begin to understand that every day is different and how you are feeling in one moment - no matter how bad that is or how loud the noise is in that very moment - it will change again in another. Okay, it won’t stop or go away but you might feel differently.
Mindfulness helps me deal with the constant ringing and also hearing loss daily
“It is so hard to describe the feeling of not being able to escape from the sound. That is why for me personally my meditation and mindfulness practices have helped me daily to acknowledge the sound and try to teach myself to allow it to just be.”
Some people may watch this movie and not pay too much attention to the tinnitus part unless they either know someone with tinnitus or suffer with it themselves but it is great to see a movie of this magnitude bring attention to this ‘silent’ illness (that’s in actual fact far from silent to the tinnitus sufferer!) so that people suffering with it don’t feel alone.
The American Tinnitus Association (ATA) have also been raising awareness of the condition and the extreme impact tinnitus can have on people. In seeking to depict Maine’s condition as realistically as possible, Cooper cast his own doctor, Dr. William Slattery, president of the House Ear Clinic, to play his doctor in the movie. In their press release, the ATA say that Cooper portrays with exacting detail and mirrors the reality of someone struggling with tinnitus.
I was also delighted to read that the American Tinnitus Association have also been raising awareness of the condition and the extreme impact it can have on people and also to discover other articles that had been written about the tinnitus since the movies release - one which I discovered on the Refinery 26 website with the headline “A Star Is Born Shows How Serious Tinnitus Can Be” written by health writer Cory Stieg. She writes:
“Tinnitus is defined as a perception of sound in the head that's not produced by sound waves, says LaGuinn Sherlock, AuD, a research audiologist at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Technically, tinnitus is produced by extra electrical activity in the brain after there's been damage in the ear and auditory system. Damage could be a severe injury to the head and neck, excessive earwax, sinus pressure, or a traumatic brain injury. Often, tinnitus is associated with noise-induced hearing loss, which is why it's common among musicians, explains Christopher Chang, MD, an otolaryngologist in Warrenton, VA. In fact, some studies suggest that between 17-43% of rock musicians have chronic tinnitus.
Simply thinking about an incessant buzzing, beeping, humming, or static noise in your head is annoying enough to make most of us cringe, but tinnitus can affect people's mental health and well-being in a very serious way. "A lot of people with bothersome or intrusive tinnitus are experiencing depression and or anxiety because of the ringing," Dr. Sherlock says. On top of that, "some people who are already depressed or anxious are more likely to react to having ringing in the ears than if they were not already depressed or anxious." An estimated 48-78% of people with severe tinnitus also have depression, anxiety, or other behavioral disorders, according to the American Tinnitus Association. In some cases, these associated conditions can lead to suicidal ideation, according to the Hearing Health Foundation.
Unfortunately, there is no cure for tinnitus, so people have to simply manage symptoms. To keep tinnitus from getting worse, the best thing patients can do is protect their hearing by wearing hearing aids, or noise-maskers, Dr. Sherlock says. Sometimes, people with tinnitus are prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications — like Xanax and Valium — to alleviate some of the emotional effects of the condition, but psychiatric medications are typically not considered the best first approach for treatment, she says. "Such prescription medications are addictive and have gone out of favor; such medications are no longer considered appropriate in the treatment of tinnitus," Dr. Chang says.
David Stockdale, CEO of the British Tinnitus Association have also spoken about the movie and said: "The film gives a harrowing, raw account of the very real impact tinnitus can have."
48%-78% of people with severe tinnitus suffering with depression, anxiety or other behavioral disorders (American Tinnitus Association - see above) is a very high statistic so I hope people to continue to be informed about tinnitus and the effects it can have. I also hope that others who suffer may also find help in living with theirs like I have from the MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) Programme, and by introducing mindfulness into my life. While those difficult days are still there - and today happens to be one of them - I will still do my best to think of it as my internal alarm bell which has allowed me to pause, move a bit slower, connect with myself a bit more and be more present in my life. I guess it also led me here - to start MoMe - and also given me the courage to speak publicly about my journey and to write - here on this blog - and share my journey with you. So in a way - even though it has taken the external sound away from going into my left ear, and there is no escaping the ringing that never stops form inside my head, on bad days like today I guess I can still feel some gratitude for all the more things it has allowed me to see.
If you are or know someone affected by Tinnitus and or hearing loss Deaf Hear provide excellent support and can be contacted on Tel: +353 (0)1 8175700 and also have offices nationwide
If you are suffering alone with tinnitus and finding it particularly difficult at the moment please talk to someone or call:
Samaritans on 116 123 or
SMS: 087 260 9090
Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week