Changing the way I look at change

As Featured in Megs Menopause Website

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I discovered I was in early Menopause at the age of 44. I was well used to change in my life, both personally and professionally but this change had it’s challenging moments.

At 10 years of age my body was changing in more ways than one - along with hitting puberty and dealing with the changes that every young girl deals with at that age my spine was also growing - be it in the wrong direction. I had been diagnosed with scoliosis and I had a rapid curvature which required immediate surgery. Due to my young age I had to have 2 spinal fusion operations but looking back on it now this early change only made me stronger. I also ran my own my own branding and design agency for 20 years so that has also taught me to adapt to change on a regular basis.

Life is constantly changing

4 years ago I faced a difficult change in the form of a loud ringing sensation in my ear and sudden hearing loss (in the same ear) after visiting numerous ENT consultants looking for answers and feeling very deflated, I made the decision to enroll in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course. This taught me more about how Life is constantly changing. Our bodies change in so many ways throughout our lives. Our opinions change, our outlook and views about things change, our relationships change. EVERYTHING CHANGES. Why do we fear change so much when everything is constantly changing? When I was told by my GP in June 2017 that my bloods showed that I was in early menopause I thankfully processed the news in a way of acceptance. I said to myself - this is just another part of life - I’ll be fine and for the 6 months that followed I thought I was. I continued to take my magnesium supplements and also started a range of different natural menopause supplements and read all I needed to know to equip me on this new journey.

While I was feeling a tiredness in my body that I had never experienced before my hot flushes didn’t seem too bad - I felt then that they were manageable and I seemed to be managing well at breathing through it. I had had hyperemesis on both my pregnancies so maybe my menopause was going to be a walk in the park? I was feeling like this wasn’t going to knock a stir out of me.

The start of summer 2018 was a different story - while I was still managing my hot flushes through my breath and mindful practice - just acknowledging the flush and reminding myself that it will pass seemed to keep them at bay - I seemed to have no control over how my body was feeling. I have never experienced complete exhaustion quite like it. I went on a 5 day silent mindfulness retreat in June and what I was looking forward to the most apart from deepening my mindful practice was the space away from everyone. While I was enjoying my 7 and 12 year old more than ever in my life I often felt overwhelmed with things I needed to do as a mum - the questions I needed to answer. Thankfully once again because of my mindfulness practice I have been aware of most of these so I seem to catch a lot of them before they set me off but there have obviously been the days when I haven’t… I’m only human! My daughter is 12 so while she is at one end of the hormone spectrum I am at the other end with mine!

While I had finally got on top of my sleep after 3 years of living with tinnitus and endless sleepless nights, menopause was now taking it’s place so along with my body feeling tired in general I was also waking up a lot at night from hot flushes which left me completely exhausted.

overcoming The Physical Pain

I was experiencing back pain like I had never experienced before so I was sent for a DEXA scan and it was confirmed I had osteopenia. My rods were feeling weighty - a sensation I had never felt before and it really scared me.

I was getting the kids ready to go back to school and picking up their bits and pieces and I remember going to a health food shop close to home and told the girl what was going on and then I told her about my tinnitus, then I told her about my scoliosis and she looked at me and said - “Wow, you’ve a lot going on don’t you?!” I felt like collapsing into her arms when she said it as I knew this was something that while I was coping with on my own my body was telling me otherwise. I think I found it most difficult when the kids started back at school as my daughter started secondary school and my son is still in primary so they are in different schools with different uniforms, different requests for lunches, different drop off and pick up times - and above all different needs. Often I would feel as if I wanted to burst into tears when I heard “mum…where are my socks?”!!! I ran my own branding and design agency for almost 20 years so I’m used to being asked lots of questions but often the simplist of questions from my kids felt like I was being asked to solve the world’s problems!

Before menopause I had finally got to a stage in my life when my mindfulness practice had made me feel calmer than I had ever done in my life as I was no longer over-analysing and overthinking like I had spent most of my life. But I was starting to feel overwhelmed over the littlest of things. I have often said it to my close friends and family that I honestly don’t know what I would have been like if I hadn’t learned all I have about noticing and recognising my feelings or spotting my automatic pilot. I would hate to think what I would have been like. It’s as if my body had been hijacked and it’s a very unsettling feeling.

Knowing my body

I recently went back to see my GP as the physical pain in my back was becoming increasingly worse. Along with pilates and yoga I also started cycling when I developed tinnitus, in addition to keeping me fit it also helps me deal with my tinnitus, but my back pain was making my cycle difficult. I knew that cycling has kept me mentally strong over the last few years so the last thing I needed was not to be able to go on my bike. My GP advised that I think about going on HRT as she felt that this would also help to keep the osteoporosis at bay so she suggested I visit my obstetrician for a scan due to my age and as I thought - she also seconded my GP’s suggestion.

It’s not that I didn’t want to go on HRT - I just wanted to make sure it was the right decision for me. When I had hyperemesis on my first pregnancy I also suffered with post-nasal drip but my GP at the time told me I was having chest infections due to my scoliosis and the pressure the pregnancy was putting on my lungs, so I ended up taking lots of very unnecessary antibiotics so you can understand how these days I want to be sure what I put into my body is going to benefit me.

Clarity of mind

One of the things I did after completing my mindfulness course was to develop a range of “Flash cards for grown ups” called MoMe cards - MoMe comes from taking “A Moment for Me” to help encourage taking small moments often to check in with yourself and to encourage positivity and self care. I have connected with so many women - and men - who suffer with tinnitus, or have scoliosis, or who want to explore mindfulness for one reason or another. I often share my experiences of living with tinnitus on my social media posts and I have often been asked how do I stay so positive. However, this past year I have felt that I wanted to share my story, as the impact menopause has had on me has often made this a bit harder but continuing my gratitude and mindful practice has helped but I would hate to think of any woman ever feeling like I have felt in the last year and not be aware of what is happening to them. It was Meg’s Menopause that has given me the strength to write about my experience and also the information I needed to support my decision to start HRT. I feel very grateful for that and also for other feeds such as Menoandme and Hotflush for raising awareness on the effects of menopause.

Before Menopause I used to joke that my tinnitus was my body’s alarm bell shouting at me to slow down but I now know that it was my body’s way of strengthening me for the year that I have just put down. I finally started decided to start HRT a month ago to see if it can help keep my osteopenia stable and osteoperosis at bay. It is not a decision I have taken lightly and the deciding factor for me in the end was my back but like my mindfulness practice I will see how I feel day by day and also see this as another new chapter in my journey and who knows… maybe the best is yet to come!

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Thank you so much to Meg Matthews for both all she does to increase awareness for menopause and also for sharing my story on www.megsmenopause.com

Treating my mind to the gift of silence

5 years ago the word Retreat would have been something that I would have ran away from rather than ran to. Mainly because I would have done what alot of us do - judged it based on what I thought it was. I just had a different idea of what a retreat was and associated it with images of my school day retreat experiences. I guess that was when I also wasn't really fully aware of what self-care was or how to really recharge my batteries and completely 'switch-off'.

I completed my first retreat as part of my MBSR programme which was a one day silent retreat. Again - the words "Silent Retreat" did bring me out in a small sweat and if I am perfectly honest when I originally signed up to the course I quietly said to myself "I might be sick that day" Again, that was before I had began to try mindfulness or meditation - or for that matter - before I knew how to sit for more than a minute on my own and listen to my breath.

Allowing yourself the time to just be...

On the morning of that first retreat I said to my husband "How will I not talk for the whole day?" and I also felt myself having that well known guilty feeling us mums have heading off to spend a Sunday completely for myself. I would be doing meditation, yoga, going on mindful walks, eating beautiful vegetarian food - mindfully - so I would have a whole hour to sit and just eat - seriously didn't that sound selfish? What kind of a mum was I heading off doing that? Shouldn't I spend my sunday with my children and my husband doing what alot of us mums do on a sunday?? Some of those hours running around the house doing washing, cleaning, cooking or doing whatever we needed to do to catch up before monday??? All these thoughts were real thoughts I had back then - but they were just thoughts - thoughts that I had conjured up myself in my own head which so many of us mums do - TO OURSELVES!!!

I didn't know the benefits then of what self-care actually meant. I have said it before and I'll say it again - what are we told every time we get on a plane? Tend to your own life jacket BEFORE you attend to your childrens. When we spend time with our children are we really present? Learning the beautiful practice of mindfulness has taught me that the more I allow myself the time to practice the more clear minded, calm and above all present I am with my children when I am with them. So giving up a day or a weekend every now and again for complete self-care is like rewarding yourself and your children with extra quality time to spend with them.

The Full Day Silent Retreat

The full day silent retreat that Donna Curtin runs as part of her MBSR Programme is held in the very beautiful grounds of Glenstal Abbey in Murroe, Co. Limerick. "A place of great natural beauty" it is one of those places where you can just feel the calming energy from - even if it's just for a stroll around it's beautiful gardens, pause for a moment in the newly refurbished church or make an appointment to view the amazing Orthodox icons in another chapel in the crypt of the main church.

The Silent Day Retreat is normally run on week 6 of the 8 week MBSR course but Donna kindly invites past pupils back to participate in it with the students who are currently doing the course, so there is an opportunity to attend twice yearly. It is not alone a lovely way to refresh your practice but also a lovely way to connect with others who have also completed the MBSR course. While the day is in complete silence there is an energy between everyone that has to be experienced to understand fully but it really is a lovely experience. At the end of the day there is also a time when Donna invites people to share their experiences of the day so we all get to speak at that point if we feel we want to and you can also get to hear how other people are doing on their mindful journey.

The day starts off with some tea and freshly baked scones from the kitchen in Glenstal and a chance to get comfortable with each other and have a chat before the silence begins. The last Retreat that was on was held in a beautiful circular shaped room above the newly built library which I also discovered worked to my advantage with the sound of Donna's voice in the room travelling when guiding us through our meditations and yoga. I normally have to think carefully about positioning myself in the room with my right ear towards the person talking but the circular room seemed to make the sound travel easier to me that day. Or perhaps that was just the energy in the room?

Donna usually guides us through a sitting meditation and some yoga - or mindful movement before we experience some walking meditation which is such a fantastic way to become truly present and in touch with your surroundings and in Glenstal this makes the experience even more enjoyable. Again, this type of walking is very different from the walking I had ever done before. It isn't anything like the walking alot of us busy mums tend to do... getting from A to B in a half an hour so we can say "box ticked on the exercise for today - now I can reward myself with a biscuit!" Mindful walking - like the practice itself is about non-striving. It's about being fully present for every step, moment by moment...really feeling each and every step. Like Donna says, "think about how long it takes us to learn to walk when we are babies, what a miracle it actually is yet we all do it every day without thinking about it". It took me a while to grasp the feeling of this and as I discovered on my most recent retreat I was actually resisting alot when it came to it - not just because I was walking quickly - but also because the only time in my life I had walked slowly was after my back surgeries so the more I have meditated the more I have softened to be able to recognise this.

“Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet
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— Thích Nhat Hanh

Enjoying every moment and every mouthful

One of the things that surprised me most about the day is how quickly the time goes and from hearing other participants feedback at the end of the day it seems that I am not the only one to feel that way. The mindful lunch is again another part of the day that I was daunted by the first time I attended as Donna had allowed us an hour and a half to eat and go for a stroll if we wished to do so afterwards and again I had judged this one - and myself - and thought - "How will I spend an hour eating my lunch?" I knew that if I was to truly experience and benefit from the day that there was no point in tearing away for a power walk after so I said here goes - I'll see what happens and would you believe I enjoyed the experience so much that I sat and ate the entire time and barely had time to walk mindfully back to the afternoon session!

Just allowing ourselves to sit - again - fully present with each mouthful that we are eating. Savouring and really tasting every bit, feeling grateful for the ingredients that went into each piece of food and the time it took to cook and prepare each piece. How many times have we wolfed down a sandwich at our desks so fast that we would barely remember afterwards what we just ate - let alone remember what it tasted like!

What surpised me most about eating mindfully - along with how much I actually tasted the food - was also how quickly I became full. When you eat mindfully you digest properly - once again like the practice itself - it really is that simple!

In the afternoon along with some meditation, more walking, and some exercises that highlight how we react to stress can have a direct impact on our bodies. We also practice Metta Loving-kindness which is one of the most powerful things I have learned on my mindfulness journey and it is something I now also practice with my children.

"May I be happy and peaceful. May I be healthy and strong. May I be free from inner and outer harm. May I live with ease."

Loving-kindness meditation is a simple repetition of these phrases, but directing them at different people. "May you be healthy and peaceful. May you be healthy and strong. May you be free from inner and outer harm. May you live with ease."

1. Donna starts by directing the phrases at herself and invites us to follow her but as it is a silent retreat we just think of the words as she says them: "May I be happy..."

2. Next, Donna invites us to direct the metta towards someone you feel thankful to have in our lives or someone who has helped us out in some way.

3. Then she asks us to visualize someone who we feel neutral about - someone we neither like nor dislike - like someone who works in the local post office or coffee shop.

4. The next one can often be difficult: visualizing the people you having a difficult time with or have had a difficult relationship with.

5. Finally, Donna will direct the metta towards everyone universally: "May all beings everywhere be happy."

Donna also reads some really lovely pieces of poetry and stories from her beautiful selection of books - which everyone connects with - and we end the day by sharing our experiences with one another.

Ending the day with a grateful heart

On all the silent retreats I have been on, it really is amazing to hear how we all experience so many similar things and how connected we all actually are. At the start of our mindful journeys we often experience the feeling of guilt for allowing ourselves that time - as if it was something wrong - as if it was selfish in some way but I am glad to say that the one feeling that nearly everyone I have met feels at the end of a retreat is a feeling of gratitude. A feeling of calmness. A feeling of happiness. I have felt all of those after every time I have gone on one of those amazing days and as I drive home to my family I walk in my front door feeling as if I have just taken my body, heart and my mind to a spa, and the benefits of the day have a positive impact on my family.