Changing the way I look at change

As Featured in Megs Menopause Website

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I discovered I was in early Menopause at the age of 44. I was well used to change in my life, both personally and professionally but this change had it’s challenging moments.

At 10 years of age my body was changing in more ways than one - along with hitting puberty and dealing with the changes that every young girl deals with at that age my spine was also growing - be it in the wrong direction. I had been diagnosed with scoliosis and I had a rapid curvature which required immediate surgery. Due to my young age I had to have 2 spinal fusion operations but looking back on it now this early change only made me stronger. I also ran my own my own branding and design agency for 20 years so that has also taught me to adapt to change on a regular basis.

Life is constantly changing

4 years ago I faced a difficult change in the form of a loud ringing sensation in my ear and sudden hearing loss (in the same ear) after visiting numerous ENT consultants looking for answers and feeling very deflated, I made the decision to enroll in a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course. This taught me more about how Life is constantly changing. Our bodies change in so many ways throughout our lives. Our opinions change, our outlook and views about things change, our relationships change. EVERYTHING CHANGES. Why do we fear change so much when everything is constantly changing? When I was told by my GP in June 2017 that my bloods showed that I was in early menopause I thankfully processed the news in a way of acceptance. I said to myself - this is just another part of life - I’ll be fine and for the 6 months that followed I thought I was. I continued to take my magnesium supplements and also started a range of different natural menopause supplements and read all I needed to know to equip me on this new journey.

While I was feeling a tiredness in my body that I had never experienced before my hot flushes didn’t seem too bad - I felt then that they were manageable and I seemed to be managing well at breathing through it. I had had hyperemesis on both my pregnancies so maybe my menopause was going to be a walk in the park? I was feeling like this wasn’t going to knock a stir out of me.

The start of summer 2018 was a different story - while I was still managing my hot flushes through my breath and mindful practice - just acknowledging the flush and reminding myself that it will pass seemed to keep them at bay - I seemed to have no control over how my body was feeling. I have never experienced complete exhaustion quite like it. I went on a 5 day silent mindfulness retreat in June and what I was looking forward to the most apart from deepening my mindful practice was the space away from everyone. While I was enjoying my 7 and 12 year old more than ever in my life I often felt overwhelmed with things I needed to do as a mum - the questions I needed to answer. Thankfully once again because of my mindfulness practice I have been aware of most of these so I seem to catch a lot of them before they set me off but there have obviously been the days when I haven’t… I’m only human! My daughter is 12 so while she is at one end of the hormone spectrum I am at the other end with mine!

While I had finally got on top of my sleep after 3 years of living with tinnitus and endless sleepless nights, menopause was now taking it’s place so along with my body feeling tired in general I was also waking up a lot at night from hot flushes which left me completely exhausted.

overcoming The Physical Pain

I was experiencing back pain like I had never experienced before so I was sent for a DEXA scan and it was confirmed I had osteopenia. My rods were feeling weighty - a sensation I had never felt before and it really scared me.

I was getting the kids ready to go back to school and picking up their bits and pieces and I remember going to a health food shop close to home and told the girl what was going on and then I told her about my tinnitus, then I told her about my scoliosis and she looked at me and said - “Wow, you’ve a lot going on don’t you?!” I felt like collapsing into her arms when she said it as I knew this was something that while I was coping with on my own my body was telling me otherwise. I think I found it most difficult when the kids started back at school as my daughter started secondary school and my son is still in primary so they are in different schools with different uniforms, different requests for lunches, different drop off and pick up times - and above all different needs. Often I would feel as if I wanted to burst into tears when I heard “mum…where are my socks?”!!! I ran my own branding and design agency for almost 20 years so I’m used to being asked lots of questions but often the simplist of questions from my kids felt like I was being asked to solve the world’s problems!

Before menopause I had finally got to a stage in my life when my mindfulness practice had made me feel calmer than I had ever done in my life as I was no longer over-analysing and overthinking like I had spent most of my life. But I was starting to feel overwhelmed over the littlest of things. I have often said it to my close friends and family that I honestly don’t know what I would have been like if I hadn’t learned all I have about noticing and recognising my feelings or spotting my automatic pilot. I would hate to think what I would have been like. It’s as if my body had been hijacked and it’s a very unsettling feeling.

Knowing my body

I recently went back to see my GP as the physical pain in my back was becoming increasingly worse. Along with pilates and yoga I also started cycling when I developed tinnitus, in addition to keeping me fit it also helps me deal with my tinnitus, but my back pain was making my cycle difficult. I knew that cycling has kept me mentally strong over the last few years so the last thing I needed was not to be able to go on my bike. My GP advised that I think about going on HRT as she felt that this would also help to keep the osteoporosis at bay so she suggested I visit my obstetrician for a scan due to my age and as I thought - she also seconded my GP’s suggestion.

It’s not that I didn’t want to go on HRT - I just wanted to make sure it was the right decision for me. When I had hyperemesis on my first pregnancy I also suffered with post-nasal drip but my GP at the time told me I was having chest infections due to my scoliosis and the pressure the pregnancy was putting on my lungs, so I ended up taking lots of very unnecessary antibiotics so you can understand how these days I want to be sure what I put into my body is going to benefit me.

Clarity of mind

One of the things I did after completing my mindfulness course was to develop a range of “Flash cards for grown ups” called MoMe cards - MoMe comes from taking “A Moment for Me” to help encourage taking small moments often to check in with yourself and to encourage positivity and self care. I have connected with so many women - and men - who suffer with tinnitus, or have scoliosis, or who want to explore mindfulness for one reason or another. I often share my experiences of living with tinnitus on my social media posts and I have often been asked how do I stay so positive. However, this past year I have felt that I wanted to share my story, as the impact menopause has had on me has often made this a bit harder but continuing my gratitude and mindful practice has helped but I would hate to think of any woman ever feeling like I have felt in the last year and not be aware of what is happening to them. It was Meg’s Menopause that has given me the strength to write about my experience and also the information I needed to support my decision to start HRT. I feel very grateful for that and also for other feeds such as Menoandme and Hotflush for raising awareness on the effects of menopause.

Before Menopause I used to joke that my tinnitus was my body’s alarm bell shouting at me to slow down but I now know that it was my body’s way of strengthening me for the year that I have just put down. I finally started decided to start HRT a month ago to see if it can help keep my osteopenia stable and osteoperosis at bay. It is not a decision I have taken lightly and the deciding factor for me in the end was my back but like my mindfulness practice I will see how I feel day by day and also see this as another new chapter in my journey and who knows… maybe the best is yet to come!

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Thank you so much to Meg Matthews for both all she does to increase awareness for menopause and also for sharing my story on www.megsmenopause.com

The ‘Silent’ Effects of Tinnitus Highlighted on the Big Screen

I finally just got round to going to see the much talked about movie of the moment “A Star is Born” last night. While I knew before I went that alcohol and drug addiction would be key to the storyline I was also surprised to see another topic even closer to home also highlighted - a condition I have lived with for 4 years now… The ‘silent’ illness called tinnitus.

Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga star in “A Star is Born” Image © Warner Brothers

I am by no means a movie critic and I also don’t want to spoil the movie for those of you who have yet to see it , however, the movie is based on the story of musician Jackson Maine (played by Bradley Cooper) who discovers − and falls in love with − struggling artist Ally (Lady Gaga). When she meets Jackson in a bar she has just about given up on her dream to make it as a singer but he manages to coax her to fulfill her dream by inviting her on stage at one of his concerts. However, after their romance blossoms and Ally's career takes off it is soon discovered that Jackson is battling an addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol and is also affected mentally by tinnitus and hearing loss since childhood.

According to www.audiology-worldnews.com “The drugs that he is addicted to have been prescribed to help with his tinnitus, which periodically brings him close to anxiety attacks and temper tantrums. Maine's manager and otolaryngologist urge him to wear in-ear monitors, − custom-moulded ear plugs that block sound and allow musicians to hear their voices and instruments over loud audiences and speakers − but he refuses. Over the course of the film, the tinnitus gets worse, and Maine fails to manage it appropriately.”

David Stockdale, CEO of the British Tinnitus Association said of the depiction: "Tinnitus features in a Star is Born throughout - from when the lead character, Jackson Maine comes off stage in the first scene and hears ringing. Jackson dismisses using hearing protection - feeling it impedes his live performance. He doesn't look to address his tinnitus and hearing loss - which he has from childhood. The film gives a harrowing, raw account of the very real impact tinnitus can have."

The ‘SILENT’ Illness

The thing with suffering with something like tinnitus and hearing loss is it is can be so difficult for anyone who doesn’t suffer with it to understand, as like any other invisible illness if someone sees you ‘looking well’ they can often presume you are ‘doing well’. It is so hard to describe the feeling of not being able to escape from the sound. That is why for me personally my meditation and mindfulness practices have helped me daily to acknowledge the sound and try to teach myself to allow it to just be. Some days are more difficult than others but once again the beauty of mindful practice is you begin to understand that every day is different and how you are feeling in one moment - no matter how bad that is or how loud the noise is in that very moment - it will change again in another. Okay, it won’t stop or go away but you might feel differently.

Mindfulness helps me deal with the constant ringing and also hearing loss daily

“It is so hard to describe the feeling of not being able to escape from the sound. That is why for me personally my meditation and mindfulness practices have helped me daily to acknowledge the sound and try to teach myself to allow it to just be.”

Some people may watch this movie and not pay too much attention to the tinnitus part unless they either know someone with tinnitus or suffer with it themselves but it is great to see a movie of this magnitude bring attention to this ‘silent’ illness (that’s in actual fact far from silent to the tinnitus sufferer!) so that people suffering with it don’t feel alone.

The American Tinnitus Association (ATA) have also been raising awareness of the condition and the extreme impact tinnitus can have on people. In seeking to depict Maine’s condition as realistically as possible, Cooper cast his own doctor, Dr. William Slattery, president of the House Ear Clinic, to play his doctor in the movie. In their press release, the ATA say that Cooper portrays with exacting detail and mirrors the reality of someone struggling with tinnitus.

I was also delighted to read that the American Tinnitus Association have also been raising awareness of the condition and the extreme impact it can have on people and also to discover other articles that had been written about the tinnitus since the movies release - one which I discovered on the Refinery 26 website with the headline “A Star Is Born Shows How Serious Tinnitus Can Be” written by health writer Cory Stieg. She writes:

“Tinnitus is defined as a perception of sound in the head that's not produced by sound waves, says LaGuinn Sherlock, AuD, a research audiologist at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Technically, tinnitus is produced by extra electrical activity in the brain after there's been damage in the ear and auditory system. Damage could be a severe injury to the head and neck, excessive earwax, sinus pressure, or a traumatic brain injury. Often, tinnitus is associated with noise-induced hearing loss, which is why it's common among musicians, explains Christopher Chang, MD, an otolaryngologist in Warrenton, VA. In fact, some studies suggest that between 17-43% of rock musicians have chronic tinnitus.

Simply thinking about an incessant buzzing, beeping, humming, or static noise in your head is annoying enough to make most of us cringe, but tinnitus can affect people's mental health and well-being in a very serious way. "A lot of people with bothersome or intrusive tinnitus are experiencing depression and or anxiety because of the ringing," Dr. Sherlock says. On top of that, "some people who are already depressed or anxious are more likely to react to having ringing in the ears than if they were not already depressed or anxious." An estimated 48-78% of people with severe tinnitus also have depression, anxiety, or other behavioral disorders, according to the American Tinnitus Association. In some cases, these associated conditions can lead to suicidal ideation, according to the Hearing Health Foundation.

Unfortunately, there is no cure for tinnitus, so people have to simply manage symptoms. To keep tinnitus from getting worse, the best thing patients can do is protect their hearing by wearing hearing aids, or noise-maskers, Dr. Sherlock says. Sometimes, people with tinnitus are prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications — like Xanax and Valium — to alleviate some of the emotional effects of the condition, but psychiatric medications are typically not considered the best first approach for treatment, she says. "Such prescription medications are addictive and have gone out of favor; such medications are no longer considered appropriate in the treatment of tinnitus," Dr. Chang says.

David Stockdale, CEO of the British Tinnitus Association have also spoken about the movie and said: "The film gives a harrowing, raw account of the very real impact tinnitus can have."

48%-78% of people with severe tinnitus suffering with depression, anxiety or other behavioral disorders (American Tinnitus Association - see above) is a very high statistic so I hope people to continue to be informed about tinnitus and the effects it can have. I also hope that others who suffer may also find help in living with theirs like I have from the MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) Programme, and by introducing mindfulness into my life. While those difficult days are still there - and today happens to be one of them - I will still do my best to think of it as my internal alarm bell which has allowed me to pause, move a bit slower, connect with myself a bit more and be more present in my life. I guess it also led me here - to start MoMe - and also given me the courage to speak publicly about my journey and to write - here on this blog - and share my journey with you. So in a way - even though it has taken the external sound away from going into my left ear, and there is no escaping the ringing that never stops form inside my head, on bad days like today I guess I can still feel some gratitude for all the more things it has allowed me to see.

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If you are or know someone affected by Tinnitus and or hearing loss Deaf Hear provide excellent support and can be contacted on Tel: +353 (0)1 8175700 and also have offices nationwide

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If you are suffering alone with tinnitus and finding it particularly difficult at the moment please talk to someone or call:

Samaritans on 116 123 or

SMS: 087 260 9090

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Treating my mind to the gift of silence

5 years ago the word Retreat would have been something that I would have ran away from rather than ran to. Mainly because I would have done what alot of us do - judged it based on what I thought it was. I just had a different idea of what a retreat was and associated it with images of my school day retreat experiences. I guess that was when I also wasn't really fully aware of what self-care was or how to really recharge my batteries and completely 'switch-off'.

I completed my first retreat as part of my MBSR programme which was a one day silent retreat. Again - the words "Silent Retreat" did bring me out in a small sweat and if I am perfectly honest when I originally signed up to the course I quietly said to myself "I might be sick that day" Again, that was before I had began to try mindfulness or meditation - or for that matter - before I knew how to sit for more than a minute on my own and listen to my breath.

Allowing yourself the time to just be...

On the morning of that first retreat I said to my husband "How will I not talk for the whole day?" and I also felt myself having that well known guilty feeling us mums have heading off to spend a Sunday completely for myself. I would be doing meditation, yoga, going on mindful walks, eating beautiful vegetarian food - mindfully - so I would have a whole hour to sit and just eat - seriously didn't that sound selfish? What kind of a mum was I heading off doing that? Shouldn't I spend my sunday with my children and my husband doing what alot of us mums do on a sunday?? Some of those hours running around the house doing washing, cleaning, cooking or doing whatever we needed to do to catch up before monday??? All these thoughts were real thoughts I had back then - but they were just thoughts - thoughts that I had conjured up myself in my own head which so many of us mums do - TO OURSELVES!!!

I didn't know the benefits then of what self-care actually meant. I have said it before and I'll say it again - what are we told every time we get on a plane? Tend to your own life jacket BEFORE you attend to your childrens. When we spend time with our children are we really present? Learning the beautiful practice of mindfulness has taught me that the more I allow myself the time to practice the more clear minded, calm and above all present I am with my children when I am with them. So giving up a day or a weekend every now and again for complete self-care is like rewarding yourself and your children with extra quality time to spend with them.

The Full Day Silent Retreat

The full day silent retreat that Donna Curtin runs as part of her MBSR Programme is held in the very beautiful grounds of Glenstal Abbey in Murroe, Co. Limerick. "A place of great natural beauty" it is one of those places where you can just feel the calming energy from - even if it's just for a stroll around it's beautiful gardens, pause for a moment in the newly refurbished church or make an appointment to view the amazing Orthodox icons in another chapel in the crypt of the main church.

The Silent Day Retreat is normally run on week 6 of the 8 week MBSR course but Donna kindly invites past pupils back to participate in it with the students who are currently doing the course, so there is an opportunity to attend twice yearly. It is not alone a lovely way to refresh your practice but also a lovely way to connect with others who have also completed the MBSR course. While the day is in complete silence there is an energy between everyone that has to be experienced to understand fully but it really is a lovely experience. At the end of the day there is also a time when Donna invites people to share their experiences of the day so we all get to speak at that point if we feel we want to and you can also get to hear how other people are doing on their mindful journey.

The day starts off with some tea and freshly baked scones from the kitchen in Glenstal and a chance to get comfortable with each other and have a chat before the silence begins. The last Retreat that was on was held in a beautiful circular shaped room above the newly built library which I also discovered worked to my advantage with the sound of Donna's voice in the room travelling when guiding us through our meditations and yoga. I normally have to think carefully about positioning myself in the room with my right ear towards the person talking but the circular room seemed to make the sound travel easier to me that day. Or perhaps that was just the energy in the room?

Donna usually guides us through a sitting meditation and some yoga - or mindful movement before we experience some walking meditation which is such a fantastic way to become truly present and in touch with your surroundings and in Glenstal this makes the experience even more enjoyable. Again, this type of walking is very different from the walking I had ever done before. It isn't anything like the walking alot of us busy mums tend to do... getting from A to B in a half an hour so we can say "box ticked on the exercise for today - now I can reward myself with a biscuit!" Mindful walking - like the practice itself is about non-striving. It's about being fully present for every step, moment by moment...really feeling each and every step. Like Donna says, "think about how long it takes us to learn to walk when we are babies, what a miracle it actually is yet we all do it every day without thinking about it". It took me a while to grasp the feeling of this and as I discovered on my most recent retreat I was actually resisting alot when it came to it - not just because I was walking quickly - but also because the only time in my life I had walked slowly was after my back surgeries so the more I have meditated the more I have softened to be able to recognise this.

“Walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet
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— Thích Nhat Hanh

Enjoying every moment and every mouthful

One of the things that surprised me most about the day is how quickly the time goes and from hearing other participants feedback at the end of the day it seems that I am not the only one to feel that way. The mindful lunch is again another part of the day that I was daunted by the first time I attended as Donna had allowed us an hour and a half to eat and go for a stroll if we wished to do so afterwards and again I had judged this one - and myself - and thought - "How will I spend an hour eating my lunch?" I knew that if I was to truly experience and benefit from the day that there was no point in tearing away for a power walk after so I said here goes - I'll see what happens and would you believe I enjoyed the experience so much that I sat and ate the entire time and barely had time to walk mindfully back to the afternoon session!

Just allowing ourselves to sit - again - fully present with each mouthful that we are eating. Savouring and really tasting every bit, feeling grateful for the ingredients that went into each piece of food and the time it took to cook and prepare each piece. How many times have we wolfed down a sandwich at our desks so fast that we would barely remember afterwards what we just ate - let alone remember what it tasted like!

What surpised me most about eating mindfully - along with how much I actually tasted the food - was also how quickly I became full. When you eat mindfully you digest properly - once again like the practice itself - it really is that simple!

In the afternoon along with some meditation, more walking, and some exercises that highlight how we react to stress can have a direct impact on our bodies. We also practice Metta Loving-kindness which is one of the most powerful things I have learned on my mindfulness journey and it is something I now also practice with my children.

"May I be happy and peaceful. May I be healthy and strong. May I be free from inner and outer harm. May I live with ease."

Loving-kindness meditation is a simple repetition of these phrases, but directing them at different people. "May you be healthy and peaceful. May you be healthy and strong. May you be free from inner and outer harm. May you live with ease."

1. Donna starts by directing the phrases at herself and invites us to follow her but as it is a silent retreat we just think of the words as she says them: "May I be happy..."

2. Next, Donna invites us to direct the metta towards someone you feel thankful to have in our lives or someone who has helped us out in some way.

3. Then she asks us to visualize someone who we feel neutral about - someone we neither like nor dislike - like someone who works in the local post office or coffee shop.

4. The next one can often be difficult: visualizing the people you having a difficult time with or have had a difficult relationship with.

5. Finally, Donna will direct the metta towards everyone universally: "May all beings everywhere be happy."

Donna also reads some really lovely pieces of poetry and stories from her beautiful selection of books - which everyone connects with - and we end the day by sharing our experiences with one another.

Ending the day with a grateful heart

On all the silent retreats I have been on, it really is amazing to hear how we all experience so many similar things and how connected we all actually are. At the start of our mindful journeys we often experience the feeling of guilt for allowing ourselves that time - as if it was something wrong - as if it was selfish in some way but I am glad to say that the one feeling that nearly everyone I have met feels at the end of a retreat is a feeling of gratitude. A feeling of calmness. A feeling of happiness. I have felt all of those after every time I have gone on one of those amazing days and as I drive home to my family I walk in my front door feeling as if I have just taken my body, heart and my mind to a spa, and the benefits of the day have a positive impact on my family.

Reassessing the meaning of "having it all"

This pic was taken one morning in October 2008 after I was asked by the Limerick Leader newspaper to take part in a feature titled "Can Women Have it All". I remember getting myself and my daughter ready that morning - we both got all dressed up and ready to be photographed. After the photographs were taken I was called by Anne Sheridan, a journalist with the Limerick Leader to ask me what I thought about working mums having to juggle their careers and motherhood and could we really have it all?

It is funny reading back through the article 10 years later as while I spoke about the positive changes motherhood brings to your life and also the pressure I did feel to get back to work as I had my own company I also said "..if you're willing to accept that there's going to be change, and are willing to balance it, you can have it all." Right there and then at that point in my life I did see that I had it all - I was creative director of my own successful award winning design agency and I was also an equally successful mum as my daughter was now 2 years old and I was managing everything perfectly well.

What exactly is "Having it all"?

Now that I am 10 years older - and hopefully 10 years wiser - I would now have paused when asked that question and asked  "Well what is having it all?"

When I became a mum I was very fortunate that my husband was looking after the business side of the company so I could concentrate on the design and art direct the designers we had working for us but I still worked so hard and all the final branding and design - which was at the end of the day what we were selling - was down to me. 

I briefed the designers, I oversaw the design from start to finish - I was also designing myself, coming up with concepts, taglines for new logos and presenting the designs to our clients. This also meant I needed to look my best at all times - because in the branding and design industry how you present yourself is part of your own brand. The business had been built on our reputation for attention to detail so everything needed to be done to the highest of standards. We were an International award winning design agency and there was a reason for that.

The pressure we put on ourselves

I approached motherhood in the same way as I approached everything I did in my life - I wanted to give it 110% - I knew that from the moment I became pregnant and because I was extremely sick for my entire pregnancy (between my back and hyperemesis) her arrival felt even more beautiful. Due to the titanium rods in my back I needed to have a general anesthetic for her delivery so I felt so lucky to hold her and after I was awoken from my operation and held her for the first time - like any mum will understand - I felt so much love for her and I had an immediate urge to give her all the attention and motherly love she deserved.

I was going to be the best mum I could possibly be and 2 years later when this interview was done I knew and felt I was doing a good job. Was I completely knackered? Yes, all of the time! But once I felt that I was doing everything as best I could, me feeling tired didn't really come into the equation. I just kept on going. My husband would say it to me all the time to take a break and rest but while I listened to him say the words I never really did anything about it. I just kept on going.

I decided shortly after my daughter was born that I would work a 4 day week so I could spend more time with her but because it was my own business I never really switched off for that day. For the first year and a bit I had the support from both grandparents so my husband regularly suggested that maybe I should look at leaving my daughter with his mum on a friday morning so that I could have a few hours for myself - or to catch up on things I needed to but I wouldn't hear of it. I was consumed with so much guilt as a working mum that I insisted on taking my daughter with me - including doing the food shopping!

By the time she was 2 she was full-on and energetic (as most mums who have ever had a 2 year old know), so food shopping could be exhausting but I felt that once she was with me that's what mattered. By that time she was also in a creche as she enjoyed being with other children but I never once considered sending her to creche when I was off so I could do the shopping and maybe even a cup of tea on my own (- what??? A cup of tea on my own??? That would be the most selfish thing any working mother could do - right???) I never thought that my daughter might actually benefit from a relaxed, recharged mum picking her up at lunchtime!

“I never thought that my daughter might actually benefit from a relaxed, recharged mum picking her up at lunchtime!”

I brought her to the library or the park after I did the shopping - everything that I had dreamed of doing as a mum and I would spend every Sunday cooking everything from scratch for the week ahead from every Annabelle Carmel cookbook written. All to be "the best mum" I could be to her. Or at least what I thought was the "best mum I could be".

I rarely stopped to slow down to take a breath and listen to what I needed. That was at a time when I hadn't a clue what self-care or self-love really was. If the term had been mentioned to me I would have just thought it sounded selfish. Full stop. I knew what I was doing after all - didn't I?

Self-Care is Never Selfish

Back then I never made the connection between being on an airplane and the oxygen masks being deployed in the cabin - and motherhood - who do they tell you to tend to first? The message is always loud and clear - put your own mask on before you attend to your children. Self-care isn't just about having your hair or nails done - as I would have thought - it's about really taking care of yourself by resting, listening to your body, relaxing your mind, being present with yourself and really knowing what your needs are.

“As women we sometimes feel we need to prove so much to each other and to ourselves.”

As women we sometimes feel we need to prove so much to each other and to ourselves. We want everyone to know we're doing a great job and we have our 'sh-t' together, when in actual fact it's perfectly okay to say "I'm not okay", or  "I'm struggling a bit", or "I find it difficult sometimes" We're not machines but sometimes we feel we have to operate like one - and even machines get to unplug every now and then! So many women don't open up about this and as a result it can lead to many women suffering in silence.

Listen to Your Body

I suffered alot with my back after my second child was born and once again I had had hyperemesis - but this time it was worse and I also had it all through my pregnancy. The recovery is also slow due to the general anesthetic and the complications with my back so I ended up being off work for a while after my son was born with my back but once again found it very difficult to rest - there was always something to be done! Well, that's what I kept telling myself anyway. My husband would constantly say "leave it" or "don't worry about it" but I never listened.

You would have thought after that and other injuries that I developed after 2 car crashes I was involved in that I would have now started to listen to my body or at least connected with it in some way? Not a chance! I was eager to get back to myself but would never have dreamed that resting might just speed the process up - I was too impatient with not moving - too impatient with recovery - too impatient to slow down.

“It took tinnitus and becoming deaf for my mind to finally listen to my body. The loud noise ringing in my head was like my body screaming at me to pay attention.”

It took tinnitus and becoming deaf for my mind to finally listen to my body. The loud noise ringing in my head was like my body screaming at me to pay attention. The MBSR (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) Course I completed was the start of a new mindset change for me. Mindfulness and meditation has completely changed my life. I have written about all the benefits I have experienced in other blog posts so I won't go into too much detail here but I am now at a place in my life when I feel more contentment than ever before. I practice every day, I have for me what feels like the perfect balance between work and being a mum and now that I give myself the time I need each day to sit with my myself in meditation and my practice I now have a clarity in my mind that means I can be present for my children when I am with them. I have recently made decisions in my career that gives me the freedom to continue to work and use my creativity in my design but above all it has given me the clarity to make choices that are best for me, and for my family. Not clouded decisions based on what you think is the right thing to do or worse - what you think everyone else thinks you should do!

Empower not pressure

Thankfully I built my design business at a time before the hashtag "Girlboss" existed and often when I see quotes like "Hustle your muscles" and watch women doing all they can to get ahead - it concerns me. I can see so many young girls who become so focused on staying on top of their game and getting ahead in business that they can loose so much focus not only on what they are about but also on their real needs. There's a fine line between empowering women and putting pressure on women - knowing the difference is what's important.

“There’s a fine line between empowering women and putting pressure on women - knowing the difference is what’s important.”

One of the most amazing things about practicing mindfulness is it teaches you to live in the now as opposed to past but it doesn't mean you can't learn from what the past has taught you. I will never regret working as hard as I did for those years - both professionally and as a mum as I believe everything you do in this life makes you stronger but if I could give any advice to my younger self I would have taken more time to check in with myself and ask myself "how are you doing?" once and awhile. I would definitely introduce myself to the power of the breath and taking a moment to listen to it because back then I can't ever remember having a breath!

I fully understand that so many of us women have to work and are doing so for financial reasons only - not career choices or because they want to but it doesn't matter what your circumstances we all have the same needs as women and we all - every single one of us - need to realise the importance of checking in with ourselves and taking small moments to breathe throughout our busy days because whether you work or not - or whether you are a mum or not - life is fast and hectic.

Ten years older and thankfully wiser

So if my now 12 year old daughter in the above pic ever asks me can women have it all - I would probably answer the same - "Yes, 100% we can have it all!" - because we are brave, powerful and strong but never lose sight of what you're about - what you already have in your life and what in actual fact makes you happy.

The more we connect with ourselves the more clarity we have to see what works best for us in both our personal or professional lives. This will help us develop the tools to see ways to make small changes to find the balance we often yearn for or make big changes if we feel they are necessary.

We may even discover that 'having it all' doesn't have to mean 'doing it all'. 'Having it all' can be as as simple as being awake and aware enough to realise and appreciate that in actual fact when you stop to notice - you already do.

Mindful Practice & Motherhood

When I started practicing mindfulness I quickly realised that some people are more naturally mindful than others. My daughter especially has taught me alot in expressing gratitude, being present and being an attentive listener.  She doesn't tend to dwell in the past or worry about things that may or may not happen she just focuses on the now...what's happening at presnt in her life. Mindfulness-based practices can help children calm down, become more focused, fall asleep more easily, alleviate worry, manage anger, and generally become more patient and aware.

I, on the other hand, needed more guidance. Before starting my MBSR programme I would have tended to worry about everything and anything. I would often wake up in the mornings and think - "what have I to worry about today?...I remember my worrying at it's worst when I became a mum for the first time. It was back in 2005 when my design agency was also at it busiest period so I had alot going on. I would wake up some mornings and straight away start thinking..."has Fay (my daughter) everything she needs for creche? Will she be okay going in? What if she get's upset? What will I wear today? What's the weather like out? Have I any meetings? What will we do for dinner later? Have I defrosted the meat? Will Fay miss me at creche? What will I get Aileen for her birthday? What jobs have I on today????...the list was endless and that was even before I sat up to get out of the bed!

Having a creative mind means it's naturally active. I'm very visual in my thoughts so I would often visualise a situation or a certain scenario that might never ever even happen. I still do this but now I am aware of this and the more I practice the more I can recognise what I am doing and bring myself back to the present as they are just thoughts.

My son was 5 when I started my course so by then his little personality was developing and I could see his similarities with me in that he had a creative mindset and tendencies to worry about things alot more than my daughter had ever done. Thankfully instead of saying to him "Oh you're a worrier like me" I now had the tools to be able to say "worries are just thoughts about things that may never happen... I get those thoughts too" When he started to complain about pains in his tummy going to school instead of saying "What's wrong with you?" or "Okay I'll give you a spoon of Calpol" I was now able to say "Do you have pains? That's okay...let's figure out what's causing them..."

I also discovered from both research and a conversation with my GP that when a child rubs their tummy and doesn't point to a specific spot just the general area that it is more often than not a feeling of anxiousness that they are experiencing. I this case we soon discovered through acknowledging my sons feelings and talking about it that he didn't want to go to school as he told me he missed me. After reassuring him that it was okay to feel like he was feeling and that he needed to go to school to learn he started to feel better and the pains started to go. The more we can teach children that all their feelings are okay the more they will be able to express them.

A GENTLE APPROACH

How you introduce it into their lives all depends on their age and what I was conscious of with my son who was approaching 5 at the time was I didn't want it to be forceful or I didn't want him ever saying "oh no...she's making me meditate!" because that would go against everything I now believe in and against what it is all about. With my daughter, the fact that she was older and naturally mindful, it was easier. She was so open to sitting with me and practicing meditation, in fact now, 3 years later she goes to sleep every single night - even when we have been on holidays (the only time she misses it is when she has a sleepover with her cousin or friends).

This meditation is called The Balloon Ride and is available on You Tube.

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Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel

SITTING STILL LIKE A FROG

As I was going to practice mindfulness myself it felt natural to introduce mindfulness to  both of my children and this also happened naturally as I became more aware and present. It becomes a natural progression when you practice that those close to you see the benefits. I also felt that I needed some extra help from books as I wanted to make it as engaging as possible for my then 5 year old. I did some research and came across a book called Sitting Still Like a Frog by Eline Snel which also included a 60-minute audio CD of guided exercises read by Myla Kabat-Zinn (who along with her husband, Jon Kabat-Zinn, founded MBSR so it instantly attracted my attention). 

This easy to read little book is full of engaging exercises and meditations that you can do with your child in a way that also makes it fun. I did find it challenging to use at the start as being a working mum I found that the only time I could really use it with my son were in the evenings after dinner which meant that he often resisted as he wanted to more visual stimulation like reading a story or watching tv as opposed to sitting down to listen to a meditation. He also knew that if he allowed his body to get sleepy that that meant it was bedtime! It was at that point in time a little too much too soon so now I tend to use it at weekends when we have some extra free time together and he loves it - the exercises are fun and above all are a great way of spending quality time together which in itself is the practice. he also really likes listening to the soothing voice of Myla Kabat-Zinn who talks you through the guided meditation exercises and it's a great way to chill out on a saturday afternoon. 

I think this book should be in every classroom and would be a really effective tool for any teacher who wanted to introduce mindfulness to their class.

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MEDDY TEDDY

I have to be honest and tell you that I wanted to buy this little dude as much for myself as I did for my son! Meddy Teddy is the cutest chilled out teddy you'll ever meet and has been such an effective visual reminder to me as much as he has been to my son! My daughter loves him too but my son has defintely been the one who has claimed ownership of him!

Every morning after I make my sons bead we place him sitting there so he greets my son every night and is a constant reminder to practice gratitude and Metta lovingkindness with either myself or my husband at bedtime (see below). My son has also brought him along to his yoga class and often has fun doing poses with him at home as he comes with his own little yoga pose flash card so my son enjoys bending him into each pose. Above all it's the calmness on Meddy Teddy's face that has had the biggest impact on all of my family as he gets brought everywhere as who wouldn't like to be around this furry, chilled out, furry little zen dude?! I bought mine directly from the Meddy Teddy website as they ship worldwide.

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THE HOBERMAN SPHERE

My mindfulness teacher, Donna, told me about the Hoberman Sphere when I asked her advice about introducing mindfulness to children. Also known as the Breathing Ball and used by Yoga teachers, this is an isokinetic structure patented by Chuck Hoberman that resembles a geodesic dome that opens out into a phere and foldes back down to a fraction of it's normal size. Along with my son loving it's colours and using it to play with it is a great tool for teaching him about connecting to his breath. I usually get my son to breathe himself normally and I start to follow his breath with the sphere, as when you follow the breath for a few cycles, it will start to change on its own and also raises awareness as to how the breath can change.

We picked ours up at a market while visiting friends in cork but I just came across them from an irish website called Thinking Toys at the very reasonable price of €4.50!

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HEADSPACE FOR KIDS

For me, I still feel guided meditation works best although I do practice unguided also and while I use guided recordings from my MBSR course I have also found the HEADSPACE App as a very effective way of encouraging me to meditate. There is also a section in the app for kids which I find is excellent and both my kids love using it - especially the sleep ones that can be from as little as 1, 3 or 5 minutes long.

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GRATITUDE & METTA LOVINGKINDNESS

Along with these gentle reminders and some MoMe Cards in his bedroom I have also introduced mindful eating into mealtimes where we they get to describe the textures and sensations of the food they are tasting. Again, I will do a separate blog post soon on this practice. Or at night time I often will ask how his hands feel under the water as he is washing them.

One of the most effective Mindful exercises I have introduced with both of my children is practicing Gratitude and Metta Lovingkindness each night. With my son, I just start off by telling him 3-5 things I am grateful for and then he tells me 3-5 things he is grateful for and on the nights he has more energy he will start first! We follow that by practicing Metta Lovingkindness which is a little meditation prayer that helps send positive and healing energy to himself and people in other places - even to a friend or a classmate who might have upset him at school that day. This not only shows him self-love but also teaches him about compassion for others. It goes as follows:

"May I be happy and peaceful,

May I be healthy and strong,

May I be safe from inner and outer harm,

May I live with ease"

He then goes on to say:

"May You be happy and peaceful,

May You be healthy and strong,

May You be safe from inner and outer harm,

May You live with ease"

He also sends his wishes to other favorite objects such as his toys and stuffed animals and it's repeated to whoever he wants to direct it to - depending on how late it is and or how tired he is - or I am!

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THE BEST THING YOU CAN GIVE IS YOU

All in all the best gift of mindfulness we as parents can give our children is the gift of being present. Really being there with them when we are sitting with them or playing a game with them and not letting our minds wander off to something we need to do in an hour or something we may have said to someone at work. They really notice it when we are really listening to them and are aware from a very young age the difference between our eyes looking at them when they are telling us something and our eyes looking at our phones instead.

By bringing awareness to mindful practice in your every day life it will also start to bring benefits to your children's life without striving or trying too hard to introduce it, it will just start to happen and you will start to notice the benefits. The last thing I would ever want is for my children to think of mediation as something they had to do or that they had to think a certain way.

As they are both growing and changing I know that what they have learned so far from mindfulness will give them both a calmness an clarity that will continue to benefit them for many years to come.

Staying Present in the Story

I've always loved reading stories to both of my children and introduced them both to books at a very young age. Being a designer I have always been attracted to books that are beautifully designed and illustrated and got great enjoyment browsing through the children's books in every book shop. The many benefits of reading to you child are endless and we all know them but how often do we read the story from start to finish while being totally present? There were often those evenings when they were very young when I was so tired that I might have tried to skip a page without them knowing it. Or those evenings when I had a list of things to do that you just needed to get to the end quickly so that they would fall asleep. I don't think I'm alone when I say it's happened to us all at some stage! What I've discovered since practicing mindfulness is when you are completely present in the story as you read it you will not alone be spending quality time with your child - you will also be experiencing looking at things in childlike wonder and you might really enjoy the story as it unfolds - even if you've read it 20 times before!

My memories of childhood stories are ones that had a clear beginning - starting with "Once Upon a Time..." - and a distinct end "...and they all lived happily ever after" and middle part knitting the two together. But since I started reading to my daughter over 10 years ago, what I have discovered is that children's books have come such a long way since I was a child - not just in how the story itself is told but also in the illustration and how this is now such a major part of every child's book.

Both my children have always loved storytime every night and like my daughter, my son loves books with humour and to hear him laugh out loud on certain pages of his favourite books is something I treasure. Often even when my husband - or my daughter (as she likes to read to him too) is reading to him instead of me I often potter around folding clothes or tidying up and instead of thinking about all the things I need to do I just listen as the story is being told. It's such a lovely way to bring yourself back to the present moment as you listen into the conversation or really listen to the sound of laughter coming from the room.

The wonder in every word and every illustration...

My son is also very captivated by illustration and I have found that he really studies the pictures and will ask so many questions about each one which such a great way of being present with your child and a time when they can also open up about how they are feeling about something going on in their little heads.

My sons favourite are the range of books by Oliver Jeffers - an artist, illustrator and writer who is originally from Belfast but now lives in New York. Along with the amazing illustrations, my son loves the humour and the wit in every story and there is also a real sense of "anything can happen". Each story is told beautifully with "How to Catch a Star" a story about possibilities and also disappointments which also highlights the patience of the boy who tries to catch the star and the happiness he felt when he found what he thought was the star.

"Lost and Found" is also another beautifully told story that looks at feelings such as sadness and loneliness and the kindness in the boy who really wanted to help the penguin be happy. Determination and inventiveness are highlighted in the very funny story "Stuck" and another book imaginary Fred that helped strike up a conversation about loneliness and what it feels like to feel lonely (yes, my son is only 6 but he likes to ask alot of questions!). The illustrations and artwork in each book has also influenced my son in his artwork and given him great confidence in his own drawing ability as he has taken inspiration from each book.

To me, these books have also helped me to re-discover my childlike wonder as when you read them you have no idea where the story is going to take you - or how it will end and no matter how many times you read each one they have a way of holding your attention - no matter how tired you may feel at the end of your day.

Luke's collection of Oliver Jeffer's Books

Overall, what I love about these books in particular is that they help teach a 6 year old that that life isn't always plain sailing with a fairytale ending but it's also about the crazy unpredictable stuff that can happen along the way and how we feel when these things happen is always okay.